Hysterical Poison live CD review

by Ed Tue Dec 16, 2008 7:10 pm

I didn't write this for the record, but I did laugh at it:

DISC ONE:

1 - Intro: the crowd goes wild and swooshy sounds fly around. An erratic announcer brings the band on stage and people go crazy for the glam slam kings of noise.

2 - Look What The Cat Dragged In: I like studio version of this song. The live version sounds bad. I think this album was recorded inside a tin can not and auditorium. CC's solo is awful but kinda funny and out of tune. The explosions from off the stage sound like farts and Brett sounds like he swalled the cat that dragged him in.

3 - Look But You Can't Touch: The mix is muddy and the crowd is louder than the band. This was profressionally recorded? Sounds like a shitty bootleg.

I don't know if I have this in me. This album is fucking awful. Obviously Poison had someone in the studio with a bit of ability. I saw them live when I was 14 or so and thought they sounded ok, but if this is how they sounded then I was wrong.

I'm skipping to a good song.

8 - I Want Action: Brett introduces the song by saying 'Do you want action?' and the crowd hoots. Then he goes 'ka ka ka ka kow' for no reason and opens the song in the wrong key. CC's guitar is all over the place. I think he might be having a seizure.

9 - Drum solo: Brett asks the crowd to welcome Rikki Rocket on the drums and everyone hoots a lot and Brett says 'yeow.' Then he plays more or less the same beats over and over again without changing them much. This is a bad drum solo.

10 - Something To Believe In: This was supposed to be their serious song. Brett dedicates it to the men and women who fought overseas. Who the fuck is playing the piano on this song? Who let him do that? Is it Brett? The credits say Bobby Dahl but then who is playing bass? Is Bobby doing at the same time? That might explain why neither is done well.

11- Poor Boy Blues: Blech.

12 - Unskinny Bop: Brett yells 'I'm going easy on ya'all down there' and then follows it up with 'uh' and 'ooh' and 'uh' noises. CC's guitar is behind the rest of the band for the first part of this song. The backing vocals sound good, but I'm fairly certain that they're prerecorded cause it sounds like Brett is harmonizing with himself. __________________
DISC TWO:

1 - Love On The Rocks: Brett intros this one be saying 'Mr. Deville keep those heads banging and gimme some love on the rocks' to which CC responds by playing some out of key guitar ooodly noises. Brett grunts a lot in this song. It's kinda scary.

2 - Guitar Solo: Oh shit. Here we go. This fucking thing is 11:03 in length and its the longest track on the album by like six minutes. It goes 'wubba wubba ooodle ooodle ooodle ooodle ooodle ooodle' a lot but doesn't have any rhythm to it, it's just all wanking and not very good wanking at that. It sounds like he's a 15 year old in a guitar shop trying out a new axe and hoping to impress the other 15 yeards olds in the guitar shop. He should have played Stairway To Heaven instead. I think it's shorter.

3 - Every Rose Has It's Thorn: Brett gets the crowd to sing along while CC plucks away at his acoustic. Actually I guess it's more of a strum. Regardless, it's acoustic. Brett is way off key, he sounds drunk. When he says 'we both lie close together' it sounds more like 'we both buy clothes together.' I once covered this song in a recording booth at an amusement park while high on cheap weed with two friends. We did better. The crowd sings more than Brett does, they're also way off key. No one cares and they all cheer anyway.

4 - Fallen Angel: Brett tells Rikki to get on it before this one kicks into high gear. Then CC slides his guitar into action and it's a one two punch to the ears! This one sounds good actually.

5 - Your Momma Don't Dance: This one doesn't sound so bad either. It's a good song. Again though, the backing vocals sound prerecorded. Brett can't harmonize with himself live, it's not physically possible. When Brett does the 'get out of the car long hair' speech he sounds like Cookie Monster.

6 - Nothin' But A Good Time: Who wants nothing but a good fucking time? Brett asks you this before laughing and hooting into the mic over a bad guitar intro. The drums kick in and we're off. Brett hoots some more. I like this song. It's catchy. It sounds like shit live though. This time the backing harmonies are not prerecorded - you can tell, cause they don't sound good. When Brett sings 'it don't get better than this' he then contradicts himself by telling the crowed 'I wanna feel it get better, baby.' If it don't get better than this, aren't his expectations a little unreasonable? I need a drink. There's a bass solo in this song that is so simple that I already know how to play it after hearing it one time. It's literally one chord. Why does Brett sound like he's from Nashville? Is he trying to sound like Elvis? He busts into some scat half way through - ba ba ba ba ba boom ba ba hoo child ooh ba ba ba bopity bop didi bop didi what the FUCKKKK??????????????????????????' I can't do this. No, I must. But first, bourbon.

7 - Talk Dirty To Me: They close with their best song. Brett tells Orlando that there ain't no fucking way he's leaving until they talk dirty to him. CC comes in with an out of tune lick and they're off. This doesn't sound too bad so far.
The crowd sings along a lot, Brett's got some weird reverb going on with the mic, possibly to try to hide the fact that he's off key? It doesn't work. When Orlando sings 'talk dirty to me' for Brett he says 'right fucking now' at which point he follows it with the famous 'CC pick up that guitar and talk to me' line and the crowd goes batshit. CC actually doesn't completely embarass himself with this solo. It's not good, but it doesn't suck like his 11:03 shit fest on track two. Wait. I take that back. He just fucked it up. The song ends, Brett yells 'uh' into the mic' and the crowd screams for 'more more more' but that's it. Brett talks about how much he loves the fucking people in this fucking auditorium then tells them he'll see them at Christmas and that they kick ass.

The end. Or is it?

No such fucking luck. There are four bonus studio tracks here.

1 - So Tell Me Why?: Wow. Tell me why this was recorded. Was this a single? It sounds familiar. I think it's on the greatest hits CD I have. If it is, I probably skip it cause it's bad. The best part is when Brett grunts out 'ooooooo' and the engineer puts some echo on it to make him sound, I dunno, actually. I dunno why that echo is there. There's keyboard in this song. It sounds like Journey except it's not as good.

2 - Souls On Fire: This song has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's a blues jam. If you want to listen to a better song about something being on fire, check out My Balls Are On Fire by Nig Heist. Actually I think that song is called Balls Of Fire but the chorus says my balls are on fire. Fuck me this song is horrible. It's got soul sister backing vocals. Is Brett trying to sound like Prince? It's not working. He just rhymed senorita with meetcha. Someone plays a harmonic and I reach for the Maker's Mark.

3 - Only Time Will Tell: Ooo a power ballad. Poison can do these well, at least by bad hair metal standards. This time, they're phoning it in. He's singing about angels of mercy and stuff. Words can't explain how he feels inside. This song is a cliche and not even a good one. More soul sister backing vocals. They're way out of place.

4 - No More Lookin' Back (Poison Jazz): Poison Jazz, you say? There's nothing jazz about this song, which is kinda disappointing cause I bet it would have been funny. This song is actually better than the other three studio tracks. It's got a heavy catchy riff in the middle that made me tap my foot. Still, where is the jazz? Why is this song called Poison Jazz? Brett says 'shit' in this song during an intense spoken word part about how seeing all those dead end wishes eats away at his brain. No more victims no more lies no sheer heart attacks. No more empty promises, no more looking back.

OVERALL: This album is really, really bad. Not even fun bad. Just bad.

The end.