Florida Follies

February of 2007, I find myself headed to the Sunshine state, hitting the cities of Tampa, Clearwater, Pompano Beach and Orlando, FL., for a weekend with friends and a few Journey shows. What transpired that weekend was fun, exciting and wild as Hell.

Out of LAX at midnight and I settle in for a cross country flight to Tampa. Fuck I hate airplanes and this further cements my disdain. At 6'3" why the fuck am I in a middle seat? On my right, there is an old smelly blue haired woman, complete with liver spots, black teeth and wrinkled skin that resembled a fuckin lizard. On my left, I had a dude who looked like Jesus Christ and smelled like he just came from the resurrection and crawled out of his grave. I swear, he smelled so bad, he couldn't attract flies because even they couldn't handle this guys odor. For a minute, I thought I was on a fuckin Greyhound bus. Anyway, I manage to somehow get through the awful nocturnal flight, thanks to Tylenol PM's. Those bastards are awesome. Jesus thankfully was in a rush to deplane and took his smelly backpack complete with worn out holes and filth and bolted for the door. Thank God. I don't know how many aluminum cans that fucker had to gather for his flight, but next time, I hope he gets hit by a cab on the way to the airport as to never see his ass on a plane again. As for Grandma, I ditched her corpse looking ass right away. I had had enough. I needed to escape, and fast. I got off the bird and followed the signs to ground transportation, where upon reaching the curb, my ride was not there. Seething pissed, I called Angela, my ride, and asked where the Hell she was. I think she said she got lost. Um, Angela lives in Tampa, and yet she found a way to get....lost. Well, all is well that ends well, and soon she pulled up and we were off.

We drove into Clearwater, FL and got to our hotel. We arrived at some place where everyone was staying. The show was that night and some were already partying. I started in pretty early. Anyway, we get to the venue, Ruth Eckard Hall, whoever the fuck that is, and the show goes on without a hitch, unless you count Jon Friga-Cain's Every Generation being playerd, errr, lipped. The band is nice and friendly and we do the whole meet n greet bullshit and then it's off to the hotel for some much needed sleep. I was staying with Angela and Krista, who has giant cannage. I don't know why I needed to state that, except to give her a plug I suppose. Anyway, I am down to underwear and in my cot, and sleep the night away.

The next morning comes early and we are road tripping down to the southeastern part of this God forsaken place called Florida which consists of a million lakes and a billion alligators and poisonous snakes. (Actually, Florida is a nice place). They have these Goddamned bugs the size of a small planet there, called love bugs. Jesus Christ, I saw them coming at the windshield and I thought the Mexicans had launched an avocado attack on us or some shit. Anyway, we get down to Alligator alley and roll into Pompano Beach, which is as close to Miami as I ever want to get. I thought I was in a combination district of Watts and Havana. My God, why can't there be natural disasters in this shithole of a city? We drink some more, eat bad Florida fried food, and wear sunglasses at night. Don't ask me why, but Norm, this 98 yr old husband of Granny's, decide it would be cool to get hammered drunk and wear sunglasses at night. Pretty insightful actually, as it proved comedic fodder for the entire trip. It was at this time I remember going into a Walmart with Angela and Krista looking for who knows what, when I blasted a smelly wet fart of which half made it's way out and the other half painted the inside of my underwear. I vividly remember two Floridian girls standing there disgusted and when I looked at them, and their disdained look, I busted up and laughed. I didn't a flying shit. Off to the gig. Ho hum, another greatest hit show that these fuckers can play in their sleep and then the real adventure began...on to Orlando.

Aww, the second home of Mickey Mouse. We settle into this real expensive place and then I call JSS and we head on down to Universal city walk. He drags me into the NBA zone, some basketball gay themed restaurant. We drink tons of beer and devour chicken wings and play some hoops. I kick his sorry ass and then the rest of the fans join up. We walk down the mall and into some Mexican restaurant. Oh Jesus, this was a sight to behold. Norm is there with his sunglasses on, Melissa and Lynn getting hammered on mojitos, and others were getting their drink on as well. I for some reason was drinking more than anyone else and more than I should have. I usually control my alcohol intake but tonight I was out of control. The waiter sat us, and in about an hours time, I looked around and noticed that the entire place had moved away from us; far away from us. I can remember doing Joe Cocker auditions and everytime Norm went to drain his main freight train, I downed his beers. Fucker never figured it out, Hahahaha. Everyone was out of control, but we managed to drink up, clean our plates and head out to our hotels. This is where the law was seemingly fractured. More partying that night in the room, and as everyone got more blasted, I decided to head downstairs for some air and a walk. I turned the corner and there it was, staring me in the face. A six seat golf cart, that the hotel used to chauffeur guests around the property. Now mind you, I was fueled up on about 20 beers, 10 Mojitos and a couple shots of Jaegermeister, all sewn together with extra strength vicodins. So I got the brilliant idea to take it for a spin. I was moving along the pathway quite nicely when all of a sudden, the urge to go faster arrived. I had the fucker pegged, but it wouldn't speed up. What I need was gravity's help; I quickly turned right and went down this fairly steep hill. Actually, it was a really steep hill. The cart was shaking like a milkshake in a blender, and I started losing control. For a minute I thought I was in the Space Shuttle upon re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere. I about shit my pants and became quite scared. I bailed off and the golf cart was in ghost rider mode. I watched it go further and further away from me until it reached the bottom of the hill and basically came apart. The fucking rear end came flying off and wheels were catapulting over the lower road and down another incline to God knows where. The roof canopy looked like a giant white Ruffle's potato chip, all crinkled and broken up. The steering wheel was fucked and the seats all full of mud. I was hammered and decided at the time, to hitail my fat ass out of there and pray there were no camera's that caught this stupid act. I must have ran like an African being chased by a cheetah, and I wound up at a neighbouring hotel. I had no idea where the fuck I was. I waited in their lobby for a few hours to dry off and cool down, and then made my way back to my room. We checked out the next morning and I was holding my breath the cops wouldn't be there to assist in my departure. Luckily, they had no clue who or what destroyed Golf Cart One. Angela took me to Orlando Airport and I was never so excited to board a plane headed due west. We got off the ground and I was applauding to myself. To this day I am afraid to visit the state of Florida for fear of immediate arrest. Hahaha, I guess sometimes you get away with it.

Author's note*

(I have resisted posting this for sometime for obvious reasons)

That's a great story.

We have these gasoline powered golf carts at work that have been retrofitted with little shallow truck beds that we use to run late bags with. These golf carts are kind of cool because all you have to do is press the gas pedal and the parking brake releases and off you go. They have governors on them, but some of the governors aren't set as low as the others and some of these little bastards are fast. I was working in the A terminal bagroom on the default maxi. The default maxi is a huge carousel that bags go to if the scanner can't read the tag, or the encoder doesn't know where else to send the bag, and the default maxi crew gets to figure out what to do with it. Anyway, one of the guys working there was loading the little truck bed with a bunch of bags that came down, and stacked them high enough that one of them slipped over the top of the bench seat, slid down and landed on the gas pedel. And, driverless, off it went, screaming through the bagroom. We're watching with amazement, it's headed straight for the back wall and BOOM! Hits the wall, both front wheels fly off, but the engine is still running full speed. With the weight in the back full of bags, it starts kind of dancing into a standing position and actually trying to climb the wall as the bags go everywhere. It stands there jumping, bucking and smoking, until finally, one of the bucks cause the bag on the gas pedal to slide over, and as it comes to a rest, tips back and falls on it's top onto a pile of bags.
I swear I had never seen anything like it and to this day still haven't. When the "Automotive" guys got there, who are perpetually in a foul mood, they actually laughed their asses off right along with the rest of us.

I think you left some MAJOR holes in that story, but it was funny as hell to say the least!!

Sunshine wrote:I think you left some MAJOR holes in that story, but it was funny as hell to say the least!!

Yep, had to. Severely edited.

RockinDeano wrote:

Sunshine wrote:I think you left some MAJOR holes in that story, but it was funny as hell to say the least!!

Yep, had to. Severely edited.

I did forget to mention at the IHOP at 2 in the morning when I blasted that black couple with some fresh Chicken wing gas. It was a silent killer but they knew it was me. I was the only guy there belching and smelling up the joint. That shit was lethal. Hahaha

THAT was edited? OMG

Those are TWO hilarious stories! LOL!

RockinDeano wrote:I did forget to mention at the IHOP at 2 in the morning when I blasted that black couple with some fresh Chicken wing gas. It was a silent killer but they knew it was me. I was the only guy there belching and smelling up the joint. That shit was lethal. Hahaha

Do you remember sitting, eating in the dark, because the electricity went out and Norm STILL had on those damn shades??? LOL

Sunshine wrote:

RockinDeano wrote:I did forget to mention at the IHOP at 2 in the morning when I blasted that black couple with some fresh Chicken wing gas. It was a silent killer but they knew it was me. I was the only guy there belching and smelling up the joint. That shit was lethal. Hahaha

Do you remember sitting, eating in the dark, because the electricity went out and Norm STILL had on those damn shades??? LOL

No shit grandma. That's when I blasted that black couple.

I have some pics of Norm in his shades from that night.

RockinDeano wrote:

Sunshine wrote:

RockinDeano wrote:I did forget to mention at the IHOP at 2 in the morning when I blasted that black couple with some fresh Chicken wing gas. It was a silent killer but they knew it was me. I was the only guy there belching and smelling up the joint. That shit was lethal. Hahaha

Do you remember sitting, eating in the dark, because the electricity went out and Norm STILL had on those damn shades??? LOL

No shit grandma. That's when I blasted that black couple.

I do remember the place clearing out in a hurry!!

BTW-Who the hell you callin' Grandma??? I got your Grandma!!!!!

Sunshine wrote:
BTW-Who the hell you callin' Grandma??? I got your Grandma!!!!!

I bet you give great blowjobs Pam. No teeth to get in the way. All gums. hahahahahaha

AR wrote:I have some pics of Norm in his shades from that night.

I have pics of someone showin' their ass too!!!

RockinDeano wrote:

Sunshine wrote:
BTW-Who the hell you callin' Grandma??? I got your Grandma!!!!!

I bet you give great blowjobs Pam. No teeth to get in the way. All gums. hahahahahaha

I have all my teeth, TYVM...and I BITE too!!!

Another great story.

Sunshine wrote:

AR wrote:I have some pics of Norm in his shades from that night.

I have pics of someone showin' their ass too!!!

Should we dare post any of them...i have some too!

Granny wrote:

Sunshine wrote:

AR wrote:I have some pics of Norm in his shades from that night.

I have pics of someone showin' their ass too!!!

Should we dare post any of them...i have some too!

I think we scared him!

RockinDeano wrote:I did forget to mention at the IHOP at 2 in the morning when I blasted that black couple with some fresh Chicken wing gas. It was a silent killer but they knew it was me. I was the only guy there belching and smelling up the joint. That shit was lethal. Hahaha

Seems to me Dean hasn't got the same gas problem the rest of America is having.

Funny stuff there D, thanks for sharing.

doka wrote:

RockinDeano wrote:I did forget to mention at the IHOP at 2 in the morning when I blasted that black couple with some fresh Chicken wing gas. It was a silent killer but they knew it was me. I was the only guy there belching and smelling up the joint. That shit was lethal. Hahaha

Seems to me Dean hasn't got the same gas problem the rest of America is having.

Funny stuff there D, thanks for sharing.

Yeah, Dean can't even stand his own farts!!!






Running for fresh air!!!

Granny wrote:

Sunshine wrote:

AR wrote:I have some pics of Norm in his shades from that night.

I have pics of someone showin' their ass too!!!

Should we dare post any of them...i have some too!

Sure post them. The ones I have I didn't take myself, but I have quite a few.

Dean - Norm - Granny

Gee looks like that fella is gonna get a wet ear cleaning from Dean.

(hello we need a puke button)

Great story! Thanks for sharing!

Dean sure can smell a party....

OOOh boy....