Joke Thread...

[Kate]

Thought I would try this out for grins and giggles.


An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

[Kate]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[Kate]

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

[cat]

, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

LMAO ---- just like a man!!!

[SDGary]

Subject: WAL-MART GREETER
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.


The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'


The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice. Have a good day and
thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[RockinDeano]

Here's a couple quick hitters- some here have heard of them, and some haven't.


How do you know if you have a good sperm count?

A- When she has to chew to swallow.

What's the definition of relative humidity?

A- When you're fuckin your sister, your balls get sweaty.

What do you call little blood droplets on a woman's pair of panties?

A- Clitty Litter.

What do you call the little bumps around a woman's nipple?

A- That's braile for "lick here."

[BadgeAina]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table the interviewer asked:
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied,"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "
That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man .
"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche? for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (AN ASIAN Man), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already shat my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB................

[Jrny1]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the
conference room table the interviewer asked:
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied,"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "
That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man .
"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular cliche? for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply."Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (AN ASIAN Man), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already shat my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB................

That was fucking dumb, plus it took too long to read...I joke should be about 3 lines dickhead...

e-

[BadgeAina]

That was fucking dumb, plus it took too long to read...I joke should be about 3 lines dickhead...

e-

Yup, its kinda hard when you have a reading comprehension of a 3 year old.

[Jrny1]

That was fucking dumb, plus it took too long to read...I joke should be about 3 lines dickhead...

e-

Yup, its kinda hard when you have a reading comprehension of a 3 year old.

No, (follow me here AnalAnnie) it's STUPID when a joke is like a 100 lines long........DUMB FUCK!!!!

e-

[BadgeAina]

That was fucking dumb, plus it took too long to read...I joke should be about 3 lines dickhead...

e-

Yup, its kinda hard when you have a reading comprehension of a 3 year old.

No, (follow me here AnalAnnie) it's STUPID when a joke is like a 100 lines long........DUMB FUCK!!!!

e-

Oh I see. It took you 30 minutes to read and comprehend the whole thing. Dont' worry, I'll throw in a one liner next time

[DSHinMICH]

Towards the end of the golf course, Terry hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash of puff and smoke a little old woman
appeared. She said "I am Mother Nature and do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups?"

"Just for doing what you have done you won't have butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: Better still you won't have butter for your toast for the rest of your life....
As a matter of fact you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of
your life!!!

POOF!! She was gone.

After Terry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Bob, where are you?"

Bob yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows!"

Terry shouts back "DON'T SWING, Bob, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON'T SWING!! DON'T SWING!!!

[cat]

http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf

[ocnurse]

Towards the end of the golf course, Terry hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash of puff and smoke a little old woman
appeared. She said "I am Mother Nature and do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups?"

"Just for doing what you have done you won't have butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: Better still you won't have butter for your toast for the rest of your life....
As a matter of fact you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of
your life!!!

POOF!! She was gone.

After Terry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Bob, where are you?"

Bob yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows!"

Terry shouts back "DON'T SWING, Bob, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON'T SWING!! DON'T SWING!!!

[Kate]

http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf

Uh huh, my new page at work to make myself look very very busy

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